


Weasleys' Wizard (Sex) Wheezes

by umbrellatastic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Headcanon, I doubt I'm the first person to come up with these joke products, M/M, Magical Sex Toys, Multi, worldbuilding that was too funny not to share
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 06:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umbrellatastic/pseuds/umbrellatastic
Summary: There's no way the Weasley Twins limited themselves to G-rated inventions.





	Weasleys' Wizard (Sex) Wheezes

Ginny walked briskly past every exploding, sparkling, and otherwise distracting item in her brothers' store. When she reached the dusty display of magical hand sanitizer at the back wall ("Guaranteed to remove most results of using Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, some limitations apply"), she checked that no other customers were close enough to hear.

"I solemnly swear that I am too sexy for my shirt," she whispered while rolling her eyes. The hand sanitizer sank into the floor and revealed a doorway long enough for her to step through.

The first display she saw bore a strong resemblance to the laxative display in the previous room, though this one's sign read "You woo-hoo? The masturbation sensation that's sweeping the nation." Several shelves of books ranged from tasteful erotica to instruction books, though there was far more smut than sex ed. The shelves at eye level were filled with prophylactics with names like _Protego-go-go_ ("lightly charmed for your pleasure"), _Condom Vigilance!_ (pending Auror approval), and _Expecto Patro-Yum_ (butterbeer-flavored dental dams).

Because the Weasley twins were nothing if not showmen, the next display was a colorful collection of dildos with the mildly terrifying _Giant Squid_ and _Horntail_ dildos ("animal cruelty-free") in pride of place. One shelf held dildos with suspiciously familiar color combinations. Hufflepuff House proved its popularity by its absence from that shelf, though its existence was clearly suggested by the gap before rows of red-gold, blue-bronze, and green-silver models. Of course, that might have simply been a matter of size, as the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin dildos appeared to be arranged in a size gradient. The Slytherins who probably wouldn't even come into this shop would probably feel outraged.

The vibrators were generally smaller and thus you found the _Golden Snitch_ ("with extendable feathery bits for more fluttery vibrations, external use only, not for actual Quidditch"), _Wingardi-UM Levi-OH-sa_ ("remote control for fun with special friends"), and _Accio Orgasm_ ("trick wands for adults") next to _Crystal Balls_ (anal beads) and the Impedi-men-ta ("one cock ring to bind them all"). Among the plugs were the _Aloha-MORE-ah_ (a trio of plugs in a size gradient) and the _Engorgio_ ("for size queens"). _The Bludger_ ("for beaters") looked out of place, since all the other sleeves were on a different wall.

The lube selection included _Troll Snot_ ("nasty stuff for a nice time"), _Unicorn Repellant _("available in a rainbow of glitter and metallic options"), _Potion Lotion _("massage oil greasier than the Great Bat's hair"), and _Incendi-OH! _("all the warming sensation of a blast-ended screwt with none of the burn damage").

The display graded to more kinky products like the _Tattle-Tale_ gag ("my father will hear of this!") and _Expelli-anus_. The _Devil's Snare _was carefully labeled to explain that all bondage materials are enchanted to accept custom safewords but in case of an emergency will also release at the word lumos. The _Riddikulus _set of sounding rods were accompanied by a whole stack of pamphlets that she just didn't have time to look through just then. The _Wingardium Levio-Sling_ was of course amusing, though it seemed unlike the twins to use two similar puns for their products. Then again, perhaps they were busy designing the _Kiss-Arse, _which paddle featured a parody of the Slytherin house crest in which the snake was replaced by a ferret.

Ginny finally made her way to the register, where one of the things she paid for was a lube container charmed to look like a mimbulus mimbletonia. The only question she had was whether Neville would figure it out before she or Luna ran out of patience. She shrugged and figured it counted as a win either way.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I brainstormed these Weasley Wizard Wheezes for the smuttier parts of a story I'm working on. Rated M only because the Harry Potter fandom often kinda skews to higher ratings for the same stuff.


End file.
